Forgiveness in Marriage

I like to remind the couples we work with in the marriage preparation courses that communication is the life blood of their relationship, and forgiveness is the cement.

At times, one of the individuals in the group will question this...viewing this like a “get out of jail free card” Doesn’t this unconditional forgiveness provide an opportunity for one of the spouse’s to assume they can do whatever they want, because even if it is hurtful to their spouse they “trust” that they will eventually forgive them?

Then we review the Reconciliation model, as it applies to the Sacrament of Confession. For many of the couples this model is simply a review, for others it’s an eye opening reminder of what a treasure this Sacrament is as we’ve witnessed what we like to call a “holy spirit moment” Even non-Catholics have shared with us that this model helped them to understand the sacrament, but what is most important is understanding what it truly means to forgive, especially in a marriage.

This is what we share with them.

There are four essential ingredients to attaining forgiveness. These are important in a marriage, but can also be applied to any relationship, including your relationship with God.

CONFESSION – Admitting you did something wrong and taking responsibility for your own actions.

CONTRITION – Accepting and understanding how your actions hurt/affected others.

PENANCE – Action that demonstrates how sorry you are and how you want to make up for the wrong you’ve done.

ABSOLUTION – Involves a release from the offended party, freedom and trust that this incident will not come up in future discussions or disagreements. True absolution can only be obtained through the actual sacrament of reconciliation.

No one is owed forgiveness. Forgiveness is a gift, but it is absolutely necessary in a marriage.

For further resource review a previous post titled: The Healing Power of Forgiveness.

Does there really need to be an apology in order for forgiveness to occur in marriage? What would Jesus say? Did his murderers apologize?

There is a couple who are preparing to celebrate 50 years of marriage. Over the years Chris and Sophia, have dealt with many challenges that came with migrating to a different country, physical separation early in their marriage; infidelity; financial struggles; addiction; the abuse of one of their children by another adult; supporting the children through various medical issues.

Most recently their challenges are of a different kind. Approximately 10 years ago, Chris was diagnosed with dementia. The symptoms include paranoia, hallucinations, agitation and inability to reason; he directs all this towards Sophia. Needless to say the time period leading up to a proper diagnosis was difficult on Sophia, as he accused her of awful acts that she is not capable of committing.

Lately, the dementia seems to be under control with the medication, his physical ability is deteriorating. Sophia provides constant care for Chris; he requires her assistance with his regular daily activities. Yet, he continually accuses her of the same awful acts, truly portraying his own guilt on to her.

However, she continually cares for him, even though he is verbally abusive to her. Some days she breaks down and cries, always she turns to Christ in prayer for strength to embrace her cross. Every day that she looks upon the man that she married, she sees the shell of the man she once knew and she chooses to constantly forgive him. Every day she repeats the words of Christ, “forgive him Father, for he does not know what he is doing.”

Her hope is that Christ will provide a few moments of sanity, when Chris will apologize for all that he has put them through. Not for her own desire to hear his apology, but because she can’t imagine the pain it must cause Chris to believe his wife is capable of doing these things to him.

In today’s world, this type of constant forgiving is rarely heard of. Yet this couple does live among us, providing a constant example of what it means to forgive within a marriage. It is the forgiveness that is the cement in this marriage, a house built not on sand, but on solid rock.